To create an effective culture of dating in a YSA ward, the examples of leaders’ lives is as important as the lessons they teach. Following are some principles and ideas to consider when leading a YSA ward, or when considering potential YSA leaders for callings.
- Ward leaders need to understand that they should not joke about dating and marriage.YSAs find it refreshing when leaders tell them they want them to marry, but to the right person. Usually joking about marriage leads to nervous, rather than genuine, laughter. YSAs do not want to be entertained on Sunday; they want meaningful discussions about these subjects. Having an especially entertaining mature adult teaching the relationship class each Sunday denies the YSAs the opportunity to hear different views on these issues. Often a mature engaged member can give a lesson he/she/they found helpful during their dating (based on a Church leaders talk).
- YSA ward leaders should have strong marriages and like their spouse.It is a given that a leader loves his or her spouse, but YSAs can tell if the couple really like each other. Many YSAs will model their marriages after these leaders. Marriage is as important as testimony and worthiness as a qualification for the potential leader in a YSA ward. See Handbook 1 page 45 which recommends considering “personal and family circumstances” when determining whom to call. When possible the spouse should attend and participate in ward or stake leadership where the YSAs can see a happy couple as a role model. Wards with more sisters need more mature female leadership (Relief Society specialists). Encourage spouses to attend on Sunday and weekday activities. Show by example that marriage is fun and reassuring, as well as a commandment.
- Use ward organization to create small coed groups to accomplish a purpose, such as service, where YSAs can interact and develop social skills in a safe, informal setting.Change the leaders and members of the groups regularly. YSAs need to be placed in settings out of their comfort zones, away from best friends or roommates.
- Give sisters leadership opportunities where their talents can be demonstrated to the brothers.Put sisters forward and let them shine. A bishop should not be afraid to let a sister lead a group where elders are in the group. Often sisters report they dated more when they were a leader in the ward.
- Leaders need to be willing to step back and let the YSAs lead.YSAs will develop the courage needed to date and become engaged when they see that the bishop has confidence in them and lets them run the ward.
- YSAs can be invited into the homes of the mature adult leaders with thriving marriages for Home Evenings, firesides, group dates and other occasions.They need to see the homes have well kept yards, are clean and appropriately decorated and the couple is happy, even though they are not wealthy or general authorities. Discussions can draw ideas from the YSAs on subjects such as, how the Savior used touch in His ministry, how temple covenants and how traditions lead to happy families.
- Leaders need to be well acquainted with current teachings of the prophets related to marriage.“The Family — A Proclamation to the World,” Elder Holland’s “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence,” and Elder Hales’“Temple Blessings.”
At times it will be effective to have the spouses stand together in front of the group and make a joint presentation to allow the YSAs to see them interact and give the different perspectives of the woman and the man. They can see that they do not always agree, yet they are happy.
- Many YSAs come from difficult home and family situations.Surprising percentages have high school friends who are already divorced or unhappy in marriage. They are afraid the persons they are dating may be addicted to pornography, may have come from an abusive family, may not support them or that they may be gay. They lack confidence in dating and especially in considering marriage.